Abstract expressionism can be defined as a painting movement in which artists typically applied paint rapidly, and with force to their huge canvases in an effort to show feelings and emotions, painting gesturally, non-geometrically, sometimes applying paint with large brushes, sometimes dripping or even throwing it onto canvas. If youve never heard this term, chances are you have seen an example. Jackson Pollack, Mark Rothko, and Clyfford Still are among its most renowned figures, and their pieces often skirt the line between art as product and art as process.

As anyone who wants to seem intelligent knows, dismissing abstract expressionism as unskilled, meaningless, or stupid, is a bad idea. Lots of smart people love abstract expressionism, and theyll stop at nothing to illustrate to you that the only reason you dont love it is because you dont understand it. Instead of trying to fight an impossible battle, why not learn a little more about the school of abstract expressionism.

What to Notice: You stand in a room full of equally mystifying pieces. Some have squiggles, while others showcase smears. Often, several pieces will look similar, displaying different coloration. The best way to decide which piece to approach is by size and shape. The bigger your ego, the bigger your choice should be. If the museum lacks a painting large enough to accommodate your ego, look for the Jackson Pollack section.

How to Stand: Contrapposto, of course.

What to Say: Depending on the number of people nearby, it may be appropriate to make a remark or discuss the art object. Try to wait for someone else to speak first. If he/she asks you for a direct reaction, use noncommittal words like intriguing, contemporaneous, and textured. If you feel the need to get specific, dont respond to the item like a Rorschach test, explaining what you associate it with. Also, avoid analyzing it like a passing cloud, trying to find familiar shapes in the chaos. Nothing sounds less intellectual than, it looks like a duck. (Unless the title of the piece is Study in Duck. Even then, however, the best comment would be, the tones are so mallard-esque.)

When to Bash: Its never easy to decide when to tear something apart, and a good general rule is to avoid negative commentary by taking a large sip of wine when youre frustrated. A few minutes pass, and suddenly youre drunk. Simultaneously, the art doesnt seem so bad. If you must bash something, do it in an effete, snooty way. Notice that the work of artist A is derivative of a trendier, more obscure abstract expressionist. Or say something like, Oh my, I really do prefer the California aesthetic. Never imply that the school itself is crazy. Never insults its followers. Theyre smart, organized, and deeply vindictive.

Matt Lavin is the creator/editor of “Bosworth: An Online Humor Magazine Brimming with Unearned self-Importance.” http://www.bosworthmagazine.com He is also working toward a PhD in literature at the University of Iowa.